The Inns & Outs
by micahskitty
Summary: Puck recruits Rachel. The plan? Pretend to date, become the number one couple, break up Quinn and Finn and win their hearts in the progress. The outcome? A new plan.


**this is inspired by ****wtb4ever****'s review on one of my previous one-shots 'drumsticks' (shameless plug wutttt?). she's an absolute sweetheart. :]**

**as always, i would love to know what you guys think. i enjoy reading / replying to reviews.**

**or follow me on twitter amwinnie. :]**

**authors note: this is a little AU in the sense that no, puck does not knock up quinn. it's set during their junior year. all else is the same.**

Puck is not the type to get jealous. He's just not. Like in pre-k when that little Suzy brat had a cooler animal than him? He tripped her and took the animal instead. There's no need for jealousy when you're a _badass_ and can get what you want, when you want.

So that feeling in the pit of his stomach? It must just be bad tacos or dip or something. There's no way he's jealous. It's involuntary that his fist clinches and his eyes narrow. And that urge to punch something? That's just standard. Has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Quinn and Finn are standing there and all their golden glory.

Yeah, absolutely nothing to do with it.

Finn is his best friend, his motherfucking brother and you don't get jealous of your bro. That's in the unwritten rules. You don't lust after his girlfriend or his popularity or the way people just _flock_ to him after _running _from Puck.

Alright so, maybe he's a _little_ jealous. He wants Quinn. Sometimes he wants people to look at him and think that he's some kind of saint. And maybe there's a tiny, miniscule part that wanted to talk to Schue when things went south since he seemed like some sort of father figure to Finn.

Unfortunately you don't get those things no matter how studly, or how big the guns. Actually, it was better if there were no stud qualities and if your guns were longer, thinner. In other words- you only got those things if you were Finn Hudson.

That can't be hard to do, right? Because frankly, Finn's a few beers short of a six-pack and Puck? Well, he's a acquired, expensive taste and while the cougars have had a few sips it's time that everyone recgonizes him as more than _just_ a badass.

So what does Finn got that he doesn't?

First, a smoking hot girlfriend. Puck would tap that in an instant if the chance ever arose. Like, maybe if he could catch her when she was vulnerable and he just so happened to have a case of wine coolers on hand. Yeah, that'd probably work.

But until then? He needs to find himself a girlfriend.

Santana? Naw, he's tried that and his credit is still at the same level it was (virtually non-existent) so that's a useless outlet. Brittany? ... that would certainly make him look charitable considering Brit seemed a little ... well, challenged but he's pretty sure that Mike has already laid claims and he's not crossing _that_ line. Who knows if that guy has ninjas or mafia ties or whatever. Puck's pretty confident that numchuks aren't going to do him any favors against a pissed off bro.

Where does that leave him? It can't be some girl he hardly knows because evidently he's in this for the long haul. Someone he could tolerate would be nice but that is a very short, very limited list.

A gleek? What about Tina? She's pretty hot if you dig that goth look. He's a man so he appreciates all looks that involve skirts and lace. Artie happened to roll by and Puck feels like the wheelchair-bound boy is psychic because Artie is just _looking _at him as though he can read his thoughts.

So much for Tina.

Mercedes? Naw, she's just way too much. Not even in the physical sense because, again, he is a _man,_ maybe even a _god_, so he loves women in any form. But those few days he tried using her for his rep she had turned on him, gave him some lecture, and didn't listen to his Yoshi rants. What the fuck. Yoshi is important, goddamit. He's critical to society as a whole - hell, that dinosaur was the basis of the economy or some shit.

So that rules out her.

Quinn's out (for now) for obvious reasons. So that leaves ...

Aw, _hell no_. How desperate is he that he's actually considering _her_? He happens to see Quinn bend over to retrieve a piece of paper that had slipped from her book and he curses to himself. That girl? She's _hot_.

Hot enough that yeah, he's willing to date Rachel Berry. It's not like that week they were together was completely horrible. In fact it was mostly spent doing things he kinda enjoyed (read: making out, ignoring Berry, making out).

Not to mention people would be _praising_ him if he could tone down that level of crazy that came from that one girl. Fuck, they'd probably throw him some sort of a parade to show their gratitude. And would he complain? Hell no.

Now to just find the shrimp and get her to go along with this. Shouldn't be that hard because, hello, he's the Puckerone. Supreme Stud and a whole 'nother level of BAMF. And he hasn't even tossed a beverage her way since like, their sophmore year.

Puck spots her standing by her locker with an insane number of books in her hand and he almost feels sympathetic for her. What kind of classes was she taking anyway? None that he wanted to take if they required lifting those things. His arms are used for _good _(seduction, taunting, badassness) and not evil (carrying books, wearing sleeves).

He's on his way over to her and she doesn't react. That's when Puck realizes that this girl doesn't even _see _him which is just crazy. When he walks towards women they respond, dammit. Their eyes get all huge and they like their lips and they _pant_ (maybe that parts only in the cartoons in his head) but this girl? She's not doing any of that. Hell, she's not even looking at him. Following her line of sight he spots Finn and has to physically stifle a groan because seriously? She's still stuck on stupid?

"Yo B," he says simply, shoulder pressing against the locker next to hers. Yeah, he's invading her personal space but chicks totally loved that. He even smells like badass.

Evidently she doesn't know the scent because she smiles hesitantly and takes a step backwards, appearing somewhat uncomfortable. "Hello Noah. Did you want to ask me about the math assignment yesterday?"

Wait, they had math together? How did he not know that ... oh, wait, he hasn't attended a math class in _years_. The nurse they had this year? Smoking hot. So yeah, he spends an ample amount of time in that office and sometimes he even naps. "Uh, no. But now that you mention it, yes."

Instead of arguing over the lack of morals or some shit she just hands him her paper that's written in proper, small writing. Of course, next to her name is a little gold star. It doesn't matter that it's the header of a math paper, she's sure to leave her mark.

"It's due tomorrow. Should I turn it in for you too?"

Puck just blinks and has to take a minute to stand there because she's thrown him for a loop. Why did she care if he passed math? Or if his assignment got turned in? If she was out sick or whatever, he would not even blink twice.

Okay, maybe he would but that's only because he's pretty sure her being absent is the second sign of the coming apocolypse. The first is Finn becoming a math genius.

"Uh, yeah. That'd be cool. Anyway B, I had something to talk to you about." He gives her what he just knows is a charming smile and waits for her to melt into her tube socks.

...and waits...

When she primly clears her throat and waits patiently, doe eyes staring up at him, he finally acknowledges that this girl is absolutely _nuts_. What else could explain why she wasn't succumbing to his goddamn charms?

Puck opens his mouth again but the bell starts to ring and he has to actually think about what class he is supposed to be attending now. What a shock - it's math.

"Heading to the nurses office?"

Her voice is enough to draw him back from his thoughts and he blinks, tries another smile as he initiaties step one of his Master Plan. "Naw, going to class. Walk with me?"

This girl is so easy to read. Rachel's face falls for a minute and surprise is registering before she manages to skillfully hide it beneath a tense smile. "Yes Noah, you may escort me to our class."

Puck just rolls his eyes. He knows better than to correct her when it comes to his name. She is the _only_ girl in this whole goddamn world who gets away with that and it's not because he's scared of her, it's not. It's just ... well, you try standing up to that female when she's in a rage. It's not easy. Shut up.

After sparing an apology for what he was about to do, he took the books from her hands and actually held them loosely at his side. Yeah, he knows what it means to be a nice dude, okay? And this chick? She absolutely laps it up when he does something chilvarious or whatever she calls it.

Finally she grins up at him, pleased. "You're so kind. My textbooks can be a burden after so long. That's why I can no longer carry them in my shoulder bag because their accumulated weight could have curbed my spine. I read that -" she stops then and her face is suddenly red as she gives him a shy glance from beneath her curtain of hair. "But that's not really something you want to hear, is it?"

Honestly, _fuck no_. He doesn't care about the mass of her books or the curve of her spine or whatever she happened to read. But he's such a good guy that he grunts, shrugs a shoulder as though he's dismissing her notion. "Tell me about it."

And so she does. The entire walk through the hallway, into the class, to their seats (he even pulls her chair out) and during the class inbetween lectures. It's not until the end of it, when the bell rings that it dawns on her that he actually had a purpose in attending this class. He had to talk to her.

"Oh, Noah, I'm so sorry! I neglected to listen to what you had to say. Please inform me of your previous need for discussion."

Puck couldn't help but grin because she was actually pausing, waiting for him to talk. "I think we should date again." Uh, what? That's not exactly what he had planned. He was supposed to be smooth and casual about this approach. Then again, those things never exactly worked on her.

"I-I, uhm-" and she's got enough class not to disregard him entirely because that would be rude or some shit, but she's not exactly able to bring herself to just give in to his suggestion. Yup, she's crazy. Any other girl would be all over this.

"Think about it. We were good together and I listen to you and shit. Unless you have a better offer on the table?"

He watches Rachel squirm for a good minute or two. Chick is looking everywhere but at him and her cheeks are so red that he's somewhat afraid that she's going to explode. Would she catch on fire too? Because that would be ironic but mostly just funny.

"Noah, I thought we were both aware of our circumstances after our previous love affair. You and I just want ... different things." Rachel almost looks desperate now because she does not want him to make it spell it out.

So what does Puck do? A pretty un-Puck thing - he tries honesty. "You're right." he says that simply, another shrug. "Aren't you tired of that though? Of them being at the top? Of her having what you want? So just help me out a little here."

"Are you taking some sort of illegal prescription again? And people say _I'm_ crazy. They just haven't been privvy to the things you suggest."

"Listen Rachel. They're never going to ... not be together. Not when they have everything and everyone at their feet. So what I'm suggesting is that we give them a little competition. I mean, we're two good-looking jews so it's not like we can't take them. And when Finn sees use as like, the Queen you are, he's going to come running to you. Trust me."

Rachel is eyeing him again, a million questions dancing in those eyes. She has nothing to say about any of this. Contrary to popular belief she has seen quite the few blockbusters that had situations similiar to this and it backfired.

But the concept, the idea, it's tempting and Puck knows she's curious. And when that girl gets an idea in her mind? She's determined.

He just needed to give her some better goals; like dethroning Finn and Quinn from their golden thrones and splitting them up. Puck is pretty sure that when she gets involved in something, things go her way be sheer force of will. See why he avoids correcting her?

Instead of responding she turns forcefully on her heel and only barely misses smacking him in the chest with all that flying hair. Puck wonders if he should have just lied or whatever.

It's not until their last period, middle of the class that he feels his phone vibrate. Pulling it out and under the desk he checks it and tries not to grin.

* So what does dating you entail? Because my rules still stand. *

He's not even disappointed when he realizes that he won't be rounding the bases.

* U jst b my adoring g/f. yknow, get my drinks nd shit *

Her next message? It makes him regret ever even considering this crazy shit.

* You can't prostitute yourself out to older women anymore during our 'relationship'. It's just me & you in this right? *

So now he's not getting _any_? This had better work and _fast_ and Quinn had better be so, soo good in bed.

* rite. we will keep tlkin bout dis no 2nd base thng tho *

Puck swears he can see her blush red and look all flusterd at that remark. It's her typical response whenever he tried anything.

So imagine his surprise when she's standing outside of his classroom, waiting for him. She doesn't even say a word. Instead she grabs the front of his shirt and just fuckin' ... lays one on him. He is stunned. There's no words to describe this and it takes him a few seconds before he can even respond or think or fuck, breathe.

As he slings an arm around her shoulders (this has to be acceptable considering her previous interaction) he whispers against her cheek, "What the fuck was that?"

She's just as quiet, leaning in to him since they have an audience of gaggling and gaping teenage peers who don't have a clue what the fuck just happened. "A good actress commits to her role. I was merely playing the part."

Honest to fuck, there would never be a moment where he was actually glad that she was so obsessed with being on Broadway. Because her rationale on this? Pretty fucking awesome if it got him surprises like that one.

They enter Glee together and actually share one of those private smiles that are reserved for couples and not people pretending to be one to break up a stable relationship. When you word it like that it sounds pretty evil but frankly? He doesn't give a shit.

At this point he's getting the best of both worlds. Puck was not lying when he said they were a good-looking pair because they were. She's pretty hot when you manage to look beyond the crazy... or if you could channel it to a more approriate venue. Like the bedroom. He's certain she'd be all kinds of glory in the sack. So if he can keep himself entertained while securing himself at the top of the McKinely chain? Hell, he'll take that. He's selfless enough to take that hit.

Puck takes his usual seat in the back of the room while she settles in the front and is immediately confronted by the rest of the group (excluding the cheerios and jocks, so basically those other nerds) who have heard all about her spit-swapping ways between classes. He tries his best to pretend to be scowling (which he doesn't actually fake) and not eavesdropping on the conversation but it was impossible to not feel some sort of ... rush when she's quick to defend him.

"None of you know Noah the way that I do. He's compassionate and kind and he can be nice. His amibitions are similiar to mine and as we all know, common interests are a great place to base a relationship. We're building on that."

No one is more shocked than he but he finds that she doesn't exactly lie because yeah, common interests and simliar ambitions was just a chatty way of saying she wanted someone other dude and he was helping her out to help himself out.

It's a little complicated and mostly fucked up but it seems to be working for the two of them.

It takes two weeks for the gossip to _really_ start. Now everyone seems to be taking bets on her virginity (if it still exists) and when Puck is going to claim it. If it were up to him, it would have already been claimed. A _year_ ago in her fucking Polly Pocket bedroom, dammit. But since that didn't happen... here he is again, twelve months later trying for the same thing. She's pretty strict in that regard.

Finn's heard about it all, of course, and when he saw it for the first time? Well, Puck felt pretty smug after that display and maybe that tap on Berry's ass was unnecessary but he was just making it _clear_ that Rachel was off the market.

Well, off Finn's anyway. So he thought. Because one night as he's actually talking to Berry on the phone (shut up, it's one of her rules he has to follow in order to maintain this facade and regular make-out sessions) she goes silent for a good two minutes.

Which in any other world, with any other person, this would be nothing out of the ordinary. But her? Quiet? He's a little unnerved.

"What's up B? Dreaming about what I want to do to you later?"

Her laugh is breathy but it's not as a result of his comment (suggestion? promise? hidden desires?). She goes on to explain that she had recieved a text message and that she was reading it, so that's why she was quiet.

Puck tries to ignore the way his fist seems to curl up all by it's goddamn self. He's really going to need to have a talk with his brain because lately? It's been sending some weird signals. Like sometimes it commands he gives the girl a _hug_. Yeah, that's as traumatizing as it sounds. And worse? He does it. He doesn't even grope her (75 percent of the time, anyway).

"From who?"

Another pause and now her voice is low, almost as though this part wasn't important. "Finn. He wants to go bowling."

That noise? Fuck it. While he supposes he should be proud that his plan is actually working (for someone, at least) he's not. In fact, if he knew what the opposite of proud was and actually cared enough to use the word, he'd be that.

"Are you going to go ... ?" he trails off because he almost demanded that she did not. That wasn't his place. It's not like he was her boyfriend or whatever. Well, he _was_ that, but he's not exactly... shut up. It's complicated.

On the other end of the line he could almost hear her blinking. He's pretty sure she's dropped the phone and is instead staring at it as though she could determine if he was serious from just a look. "Well, yeah, I had planned on it. This is what we wanted right?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right. Just let me know how it goes. I'll see you tomorrow."

And he hangs up before she could squeal and gush or whatever the fuck it was girls did. He didn't need a vagina to know she was _excited_, okay? Instead he just heads down the stairs to his basement and finds the make-shift puncing bag down there, takes out some of that pent-up aggression and sexual tension out on the poor thing.

If Finn is already straying from his better half then surely Quinn can't be far behind, right? Fuck, that's the whole objective of this entire plot and no, he didn't _forget_ that, he just got a little sidetracked.

He really doesn't give a flying fuck if Finn is stringing Rachel along (except he does) and he doesn't need the grief of stepping (ruining?) in between the two because doing so would probably only mess up his chances with Quinn.

Not that he has any yet.

Truth be told, the last couple of weeks has had Puck looking at Quinn in a new way. For so long he had kept the girl on a higher standard than any other. This worked for him. This kept him amused and satisfied at night when he's too bored or tired or sore to go find someone else to tend to his needs.

But like everything that girl touched, Rachel Berry found a way to fuck that up too. Now he notices that Quinn's hair is too blonde, or that her smile is a little crooked, or that her legs look better when they're covered in denim. They're not tan and her eyes aren't expressive.

He hits the bag so hard that he hears a loud, almost sickening crunching noise. Fuck! Did he just break something? Either way it's sore as all get out. With a groan he starts to nurse it, wrap it, and trudges back up the stairs.

When he goes to bed that night it's goddamn brown eyes and hair, penny loafers and plaid that haunts his dreams. Worst part? He doesn't even really mind all that much. He thinks it's the first time he's woke up with a smile.

They have managed to survive one another for an entire month. Most people have adjusted to the supposed scandal and have merely accepted this as a high school phase. There's a few who still think Puck is being blackmailed into this but short of a few black eyes to a few faces and more bruising kisses to Rachel's lips, he can't dissuade them.

It's on their anniversary of sorts that Puck finds himself wanting to hug Jackoff Ben-Israel as opposed to strangling the creepy psycho. Seriously - shouldn't that guy be locked away in Arkaham Asylum? You don't find creeps like those in Mario (Bowser doesn't count, he's actually pretty badass).

That little stalker has posted all sorts of pictures and files of the Puckleberry rendevous as he loves to document it. Jacob's infatuation for Rach hasn't decreased and since Berry put Puck on no-punching detail, he wasn't able to convince the boy that he needed to find better ways to pass the time.

Every single picture was of a smiling, happy couple. Frankly, Puck is a little shocked to look at them but all Rachel can do is smirk (yeah, he taught her that. be proud) and say that she expected this because they were good-looking, especially together.

It's also on this anniversary that he witnesses an epic blow-out between Quinn and Finn. He's not close enough to hear what they're saying and Rachel is rambling about her desire to save the ferrets or some such nonsense, but he's desperately trying to understand what's happening at the end of the hall.

Rachel eventually follows his gaze down and merely shrugs at the scene. "They've been doing that a lot lately."

Puck blinks, remains shocked for a moment longer but it turns out that the little nugget of information she just shared is enough to drag his attention down to her level. "Oh yeah? Been following them around?"

"No, Finn tells me. We were just discussing that last night and he was asking me what I thought he should do."

"What'd you tell him? Break up with her and run away with you to elope in Nebraska or something?" Puck snorts and glances away, glares at the nearest person who even dared to look at him.

He doesn't see the way that Rachel grimaces at that because she had suggested that Finn agree to eloping with her in previous situations but this felt different. Instead she told Finn to talk to Quinn and just explain himself more clearly.

Obviously that had not been the proper advice if the arguement down the hall was anything to go by. Is it wrong to say that Puck was a little more than delighted to play witness to the spectacle? It takes the ringing of the bell to draw his attention away again and even then he could only press an absent-minded kiss to Rach's lips before starting to walk off.

"Noah!"

Puck tries not to groan, really he does, but what could this girl possibly want with him? He turns around to find that she has managed to sneak up on him - no really, she's the size of a gnome so sneaking was easy - and is now glaring up at him with a look that puts his to shame.

"What B? I'm going to be late for class. Aren't you the one who is always jumping my case about truancy or whatever?"

He tries not to grin when she debates her response; grin because he listened or scowl because of whatever private reason she had that she had yet to divulge. She settles on neither and merely crosses her arms.

"What?" he repeats, looking at her as though she's grown another head. But seriously? If she did? He'd probably dump her but he'd proudly claim he tapped that two-headed ass. It's a guy thing.

"You didn't really say goodbye ... "

Could his life get any more chick-flick-ish? He's pretty sure it can't but that does not stop him from tugging that little person of crazy into his arms and laying one on her. Hell, he even goes for that showboating spectacular that gets her all riled up, leans her backwards and makes it all ... romantic and shit.

He doesn't even care that people actually have the audacity to 'awww' and moan and coo over the impromptu display of affection. Berry sure had a way of bringing out the crazy in _him_.

After Quinn and Finn's fight it only takes a way for them to split up. If it wasn't such a lame thing to do he'd probably flip or some shit. It takes every ounce of restraint he has to now go up to Quinn then and there to play the 'comforting' friend card. Nevermind that case of wine coolers he has stashed in the garage for just this occasion.

Instead he's outside of Rachel's history class and he's waiting. By this point this bell has rung and she should have been out by now. She knows he hates standing there, waiting, mingling in the crowd of students that all seem to like, high-five him and shit now.

But that girl never walks out. He even pops his head in the classroom and searches (twice! the second time was to make sure he didn't miss her short ass) but he doesn't find her. What the hell? Did she go to class?

Turns out, she really is psychic and can answers his mental questions even if she's like, one hundred feet away because when she strolls down the hallway and towards her locks he just _knows_ that she just got there. She's already missed two classes. Rachel Berry never misses classes.

... is the end of the world coming? Puck is a little more than afraid of that.

When he approaches her he expects to hear her croaking or wheezing or whatever it is that near-dead people do because that's what it would take for Rach to skip - her death. But she's not doing any of those things. She's _humming_.

Oh fuck. He really does not like the cold, tight feeling of like, dread that settles in the pit of his stomach. That area was supposed to be reserved for today's pizza, not constant Berry anixety. "What's up with you?"

Rachel seems to be startled because she jumps away from the locker and bites down on her bottom lip. It takes two tries before she's willing to look up at him and even then her gaze skitters away. What the fuck? He's not a fan of this. It needs to stop.

"Oh, I apologize for not meeting you after class but I'm a little tardy. My fathers have already called Mr. Figgins to explain my situation. I was just so exhausted after last night..." she starts to ramble and he's already tuning her out because his mind is gone.

Like, he's seriously trying to think up all the reasons as to why she would be exhausted because he thought she had just fell asleep last night. Or at the very least that's what he told himself when he called -three- times with _no_ response. Not even a text to let him know that she was still taking up space on the planet earth.

"So why'd you blow me off last night if you weren't sleeping?" He tries to make it sound like he's not dejected because Rachel? Blowing off the Puckerone? That's just crazy. No one would do that.

Except she would.

... and she did.

"Finn called and needed someone to talk to so I met up with him. I must have left my phone at home. Sorry."

Yeah, she apologized and whatever but that does absolutely nothing to ease the tension. If anything he just wants to like, pry her eyes open to make her realize that Finn isn't the right guy for her. She should be with someone smart and able to defend her and put up with her crazy.

But Finn? She's just going to bend and bend and break. Then what? What will she do when he goes back to Quinn? Because that seemed inevitable even he could sense that.

"Your plan was a success Noah so thank you. I had my doubts about its ability at the start but it progressed. Mission Puckleberry is complete."

And that's how Rachel Berry managed to dump him for the _second_ time. And that shit? It's not badass. Not in the slightest.

Two days later and Quinn is texting him and they're hanging out as the two jilted, scorned lovers of relationships gone awry. And yeah, there's some making out but Quinn has more experience and insists on using the same method on him that she did with Finn.

Not to mention she keeps pulling away with under the pretense of getting him to pray. The fuck? One, he's Jewish so it's not like he's going to attend church with her and all that jazz and two? He's not a very good fucking Jew to begin with. He's just good_-looking_. Big difference.

Either way, that shit ain't kosher. He puts a stop to it before she could look at him with those wet and blinking eyes. Their 'date' or hang out or whatever it is doesn't even last for two hours and he's so goddamn disappointed.

It's like when he watches all those trailers and promos on the tv. Where they hype it out and make it look all explosion-y and badass? But then he pays for the ticket and popcorn and lemonheads (those fuckers are addictive!) and it turns out to be some huge, mind-blowing disappointment.

Yeah, Quinn is the fucking awful action movie of his life and he has no clue what to do with this knowledge because he's been playing this trailers for this movie for _months_. Fuck, he's basically written and directed it so when it flops he's just... pissed.

It doesn't help that he drives by Rachel's after coming back from dropping Quinn off and he happens to spot Finn's car parked outside of her house. He doesn't want to know if Hudson is in there with her fathers. Or worse, if her fathers aren't home and she finally succumbed and broke her 'rules'.

That idea alone makes him punch the steering wheel of his truck which isn't a wise idea since he ends up blowing the horn on accident. He speeds away from there before his truck can be spotted.

Yet again he finds himself wondering what Finn has that he doesn't because this is _twice_ that he's ended up with something that Puck has wanted. And this girl? Puck can see himself throwing a fist or two for her. Even if it was against his best friend.

Puck knows this is crazy but he's also aware that she's the inspiration behind that. And yeah, maybe being with her was easy and not complicated when it wasn't about plotting and breaking up.

So fuck it.

He doesn't want Quinn. He's accepted that and he's made peace with it. Doesn't even care that he didn't get to use the fruity alcohol because frankly he wants Berry to drink those and since he's been abstaining for sex with a month when he gets back into the swing of things it should be with the girl who caused him so much damn pain to begin with.

That's how the Puckerone logic works, got it?

So it's with that in mind that he approaches her locker the very next day and only _just_ manages to conceal his shock that Finn is not standing there.

"Oh, hello Noah." Rachel says with that smile and it just drives him crazy. Like, seriously. He's starting to think he's even crazier than _her_ which is saying all kinds of shit.

Puck watches her for a second and eventually holds out his hands, takes her books from her as he did the day he suggested this entire charade. He opens his mouth to speak but as usual she's already started, ranting away.

"I understand that we were on two different spectrums of the McKinely hierarchy and while this would be a challenge for most other boys, you showed promise and progress when it came to overlooking these obstacles. But I must say I'm disappointed."

Big shock. Someone was disappointed in _him_ but the feeling he gets when she says that? It stings. He thinks about throwing her books down the hallway but that would start _another_ round of crazy and he doesn't think he can survive round one without being K.O.'ed.

"Why didn't you disagree with my statement? For a self-proclaimed badass you gave up easy enough."

Her books? Screw pitching them down the hall. He's probably just going to drop them on her head. It works on flies. He's got the math book at him to prove it. And right now? All this talking and confusion is reminding him of a fly. Which may be why he's a little distracted when he says, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Upon reaching the conclusion of misson Puckleberry," he grimaces, wishing she would stop calling it that because it sounds ridiculous. "I had thought you may have suggested a new mission. We conquered McKinely, Noah. Who says we can't take over Lima? Or New York?"

The way she says that? Makes her sound like some diabolical villaness. S'kinda hot but he's not about to bring that up because here she is talking absolute _crazy_. "What the hell are you talking about... ?"

Rachel shoots him a withering glare that has reduced lesser men to rubble but he stands strong. He just becomes large chunks of rock instead. "Stop repeating yourself, it's unbecoming. I'm simply saying that I don't understand why you relented so easily."

Puck really does drop her books then but they're tossed towards the wall of lockers as opposed to at her or some random person. Aware of her small frame he's somewhat gentle when he pushes her against the locker but keeps a hand tight to her hip effectively trapping her.

"I'm going to repeat myself until you explain yourself. In simple, english terms, B."

After a moment of silence and what he (hopes) assumes is labored (excited?) breathing on her end she responds. "We should keep dating. Think about it. We're a couple of good-looking jews so it makes sense. I mean, it's not like anyone can really compete with _that_."

"Baby," his voice drops and he tries to find the proper words. "You're a good-looking jew. I'm a fucking stud."

She's too busy winding her arms around his neck for a (goddamit!) hug to correct him on his language and constant use of profanities. Turns out when Berry had an idea? They're actually pretty damn good.

... and he didn't need the wine coolers after all. Yeah, he's a _stud_.


End file.
